Beautiful
by philalethia
Summary: My own addition to the collection of demented Taitos. Take the rating seriously, people. It's not at all pleasant. Severe OOC, character death, and various other things.


Notes: I don't own Digimon, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. This has yaoi in it, Taito actually, so beware if it's not your thing. It's also VERY DARK (note caps). We've got serious OOC, disturbed Tai, abused Yama, excessive use of the word "beautiful", and character death. Plus, if that isn't enough, it also has religious (Catholic) overtones and an odd use of it. The italicized words are the Acts of Contrition. I mean nothing by putting them in here, I just thought they fit. Don't read if you're easily offended. I might mention that it's a very broken story, and the sentences don't really flow right, but it's in Tai's POV and he's not quite stable here, so…

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"Father, I have sinned against You, and I am not worthy to be called Your child. Be merciful to me, a sinner."

It's a sin to be as beautiful as you are, with your blond hair and your blue eyes. It has to be wrong.

I remember thinking that when I first saw you. I remember the way your hair fell in your eyes, the proud way that you stood, the way your face softened when you thought no one was watching you as you gazed after your brother. 

But most of all, I remember when our eyes locked for the first time. Emotions passed through us. I could feel your anger with the world and your fear of closeness. I realized then that you were mine, that you were sent here just for me.

And I realized just how beautiful you were, and how it seemed as though I was the only one who really saw it. Sure, the others might have glimpsed it a few times, but I was the only one who knew its depth. 

You hated me at first, and I let you, particularly because I loved the flame in your eyes. It only appeared when you were around me, and I took that as a sign.

I told myself that someday you'd love me, someday you'd die for me.

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"Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

It worked at first. You hate me, you hated yourself. You were confused by your feelings. I could tell.

And I loved it. I lived for it. You were my walking, talking reason to continue.

Yet it still wasn't enough. You were around Takeru more than me. While he is your brother, and I understand the closeness, I was extremely jealous.

So I made _you_ jealous. I played his older brother, and he started to look up to me.

And there wasn't just a flame in your eye anymore, there was a fucking bonfire. I fell for you all over again.

You didn't even realize what you were doing to me, did you?

Idiot. Stupid, beautiful idiot.

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"Dear Father, I know that You love me, and I love You, too. I am sorry for my sins. Please forgive me. I want to do good and to be like Your Son, Jesus. Help me to do the right things and to be good to everyone. Amen."

I thought I had you. We were back in the real world, and we were finally something that resembled friends.

But then you just had to go and mess it up.

You had to go out with _her_.

I didn't understand it then, and I don't now. You didn't like her. You always called her an annoying, clingy bitch. And yet you went out with her.

I let you for a while, figuring that it would be selfish to keep you to myself. I always hated possessive boyfriends.

There was talk of you two getting serious. I told myself that it wasn't true. You are mine, after all. But then I saw you kissing her in the hall and saw first-hand how serious it was.

So I broke it up.

I told you that I saw her making out with Yoritomo at the school play. You believed me, of course. I was your best friend. Why, after all, would I lie to you?

You were heartbroken, and you ended up running to me, asking for my friendship and crying on my shoulder.

I never told you…you looked so pretty when you cried.

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"My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against You whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with Your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In His name, my God, have mercy."

I told you that I loved you at the dance. We had decided to go with no dates, just the two of us. I was perfectly happy with it.

I pulled you outside, away from the crowd, and told you under the stars. You love the stars. I remember you telling me that.

I took you in my arms, held you close, and whispered soft words into your ears. You practically melted in my arms, and I thanked God for making trashy romance novels. I knew you'd fall for 'em.

Then you started to cry, much like the last time, only then I could kiss away your tears. They were so salty and sweet, nothing like my own tears.

You told me that you loved me too, which was no surprise. I always knew that you did.

You stayed at my house that night, and we made love until morning.

"My Yamato," I whispered as you were asleep the next morning.

You snuggled closer, so beautiful.

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"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins to do penance and to amend my life. Amen."

I learned so much about you when we were together. I learned that you loved old movies and American music. I saw that you really didn't care how your hair looked. 

So many quirks. It was unreal, how you could have so many and still be flawless.

I listened as you told me about the divorce. I held you when you felt scared and alone. 

And I saw the scars on your arms.

I walked in one you once, when you were cutting them up. You had taken apart a razor and were sliding the blade across your forearm, blood forming little droplets on the cuts.

I didn't say anything, just listened as you profusely apologized and promised never to do it again. Then I cleaned your wounds carefully, pausing only once when you glanced away to lick a spot of your blood off my finger and to savor the way you looked.

Did I ever mention that you're beautiful when you bleed?

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"Lord God, I trust in Your goodness and mercy. I am sorry for all the wrong things I have done. I am sorry for all the good things I have not done. I want to love You with all my heart."

There was a television show about Christianity on the other day that I found myself watching. It's quite an interesting religion.

Catholics have this thing called reconciliation. It's where they confess their sins to a priest and repent. I found myself laughing.

Why would one regret their sins?

I certainly don't.

You were so beautiful, Yamato, too beautiful for this world.

And I ask your forgiveness, Yama, for what I've done. Although, truth be told, I don't regret it.

Because human beings are so beautiful when they die.


End file.
